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September 30th,
2006 9:08 am
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Happy Birthday, Daniel.
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| embrace |
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August 17th,
2006 11:42 pm
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music |
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bolder thing to do |
] |
There are so many things about so many people that I never thought would or could ever happen. I'm one of those romantics that belive in all the fluff. I took the most stock in best friends forever, as cliche as it is, I honestly couldn't see things going anyother way. Things are changing. I'm changing. Nothing about school seems the same. The day seems to carry on forever, but then when I get home it seems like it was all so warped I didn't even do anything but just got from desk to desk without a single word to anyone. Whenever I really get in the mood to talk, is when no one is around, my timing is impeccable. I miss particular people, because they're gone now. They are not who they used to be. Like a completely different personality in the same body. Best friends forever? Whatever, I'm in a wierd mood and listening to sad acoustic music.
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August 16th,
2006 12:32 am
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| [ |
mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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damien |
] |
every year, without fail, there is a freshman with a mohawk. this one is a little tiny thing with baby fat. its cute. i felt so out of place. i'm naked without my redhead.
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| only child syndrome |
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August 1st,
2006 9:59 am
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I'm coming home today and i'm a little less excited than I though I would be, simply because of a conversation I had with my aunt last night. One of the main reasons for me coming to Florida was so I could maybe see my parents through someone else's eyes, opposed to my own where, at times, I deam them less than an actual person. I think it is just hitting them as well as I how much of an only child I am. I've grown up expecting certain things from people, I expect to get things alot more easily than should be granted. I expect some one to be there for me to bail me out one hundred percent of the time, and I'm starting to see more and more thats not true. Despite how loyal your closest friend or even your parents, at one point or another you will find yourself alone, and unable to cope because you've always been bailed out. Thats me. My aunt said that she noticed that I didnt say
"Thank you" as much as I should. I'm not sure if thats entirely true, because I was always taught to say thank you from a thank you for the meal to a written thank you after a birthday. Nonetheless if the absence of the gesture is great enough for her to notice it not being there, I guess I should at least take it into consideration. So I am a little aprehensive about returning home because I dont want to fall to my same tendencies again. I dont just behave this way with my family, I am this way with friends too. You may or may not have noticed. If you have, I'm sorry. Just recently I was starting to notice all of my little only-child-tendencies and now its all been confirmed. I shouldn't just assume that people will give me whatever I want and that I will always get it (this is not just material things). If you haven't noticed, well, I guess thats a good thing, but I was reading an article in Oprah ( the woman rules) and there was a piece talking about people's boundries with relationships from friendship to romantic, and because the same boundries set the same outcome keeps happening. It suggests talking with an aquaintence about this because people who you are close to are just as blind to these tendencies as you are just because they've known you so long and no longer give your actions a second thought anymore. I dont think I've turned into a total brat, or that I ever was one however there are a few changes about myself that I think need to be made. This summer has been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least, this just finishes it off, two weeks before school.
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July 29th,
2006 5:18 pm
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mood |
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IWANNACOMEHOME |
] |
i miss people.
like alot.
i listen to the saved voicemails on my phone
when i need to hear the sound of someone's voice under the age of 30
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[ |
July 17th,
2006 12:09 am
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| [ |
music |
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jewel-foolish games |
] |
I'm floating.
now, and when I leave you all behind tuesday for two weeks.
see ya.
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| I'm leaving soon |
[ |
July 11th,
2006 11:23 pm
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rev·e·la·tion n.
1.
a. The act of revealing or disclosing.
b. Something revealed, especially a dramatic disclosure of
something not previously known or realized.
2. Theology. A manifestation of divine will or truth.
+
break·down n.
1.
a. The act or process of failing to function or continue.
b. The condition resulting from this: a breakdown in communication.
2. Electricity. The abrupt failure of an insulator or insulating medium to restrict the flow of current.
3. A typically sudden collapse in physical or mental health.
4. An analysis, an outline, or a summary consisting of itemized data or essentials.
5. Disintegration or decomposition into parts or elements.
6. A noisy, energetic American country dance.
=
me
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| to update |
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July 6th,
2006 11:07 pm
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| [ |
music |
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the blower's daughter |
] |
I am now a year older. The love of my life has returned from europe, however males still refuse to coroperate. Two of my favorite people and I climbed the top of a forbidden water tower today at dusk and watched the rest of the sun go down . AND IM SEEING FIONA APPLE AND DAMIEN RICE TOMORROW NIGHT.
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[ |
June 26th,
2006 3:20 pm
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| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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damien rice |
] |
My birthday is in less than a week and I'm dreading it.
The only good part is my best friend is coming home.
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| lost in translation |
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June 19th,
2006 9:50 pm
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Days like this make me feel like I'm just sitting very still and everything else can move, but I'm heavy.
I've realized I've abandoned most of my usual summer traits. I think I've been more hygenic in this past month than I have all school year, and I'm pretty sure I have to make a conscience effort to remind myself to eat everyday.
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| yuuss, they're back. |
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June 2nd,
2006 10:50 am
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anonymously
1. One secret.
2. One compliment.
3. One random thing
4. One love note.
5. Lyrics to a song.
6. How old you are.
7. How long we've been friends.
8. A hint to whom you are.
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[ |
May 25th,
2006 9:35 pm
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| [ |
mood |
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 satisfied |
] |
While I dont really feel that sophomore year was a good year, it had its good moments. Getting out of school today, myself and three gorgeous ladies went to Deep Eddie to look at middle aged men with shorts two sizes to small. We giggled.
Upon coming home, I started a small fire in my backyard, got my journal, my mom's mp3 with awesomely bad/old love songs, and all of the home work, worksheets, reviews, tests, quizes, and workbooks I could find over this past year of 2005-2006 of Bowie High School. About an hour and a half later, I smell like smoke and all of those papers are gone. It was sort of a theraputic thing really, I felt myself let go of alot of things that happened this year, and I felt more of a resolution and a new beginning today, the end of the school year, than I did New Years Eve. I sat and fed my fire sheets of spanish (which I will never practice again at school), scraps of world history (notes which I only looked at once), and all of my geometry disapointments..those I enjoyed especialy. All the while I had my music turned up so high I couldnt hear my own voice to see if I were hitting the notes I'd like to think I was, but ignorance is bliss.
sooo heres to:
not wearing underwear
not wearing make up
not shaving
not showering as much as one probably would if one were in school
wearing the same outfit for several days at a time
getting lost in a book in a book store for six hours at a time
spending rediculous amounts of money on food a movies
earning it all back babysitting
going to shows (FIONA)
turning another year older
and whatever the fuck I want, summer is here
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March 21st,
2006 9:12 pm
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oy vey
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| raise your glass |
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March 7th,
2006 7:44 pm
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Last year I forgot today. It was a sunday, and the only reason why I remembered was because
a neighbor up the street knocked on my door telling me its a day we all remember and handed me some flowers. I remembered this year. I saw "Daniel" written on the 7th on the calender. When I woke up this morning it said "Daniel's occasion today" on the screen of my cellphone. Plus, I always just start this month thinking of Daniel on the 7th, Anna on the 9th, Stephanie on the 12th, and Noelle on the 27th.
Most of the time I feel like its not my place to feel bad. (Or that I dont really feel bad, so if I act like it, I'm just doing it for the attention, which I find horrendous so on the off chance that I might actually do that without realizing it I've refrained from mentioning today from most everyone). Mostly my mother is the one I'm concerned about. But I'm starting to think that its not so. I'm starting to think that I just blocked it out of my memory, so my feelings towards it are also surpressed. I just focus on getting her through the day, and with few exceptions I have been fine. But his last birthday I probably cried harder for him than I have since the day of his funeral. The time after his death wasn't so horrific that I couldn't bare to ever remember it again, but for the life of me, I can't recall the year after march 7. The only thing I can possibly remember is my mom talking to strangers, and Daniel coming up in their conversation. They'd say "Oh my goodness. How long ago?"
4 months
5 months
6 months
I remember thinking that that 6th month lasted forever.
The purpose of sharing this is not for condolences, I've gotten all that I've needed. Its not for attention, this isn't my death. Its so at least some one else will know who he was to me, and what he meant. So we wont be the only ones to remember him.
( Daniel )
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February 28th,
2006 10:20 pm
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mood |
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sniffle sniffle sniffle |
] |
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music |
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regina spektor |
] |
"Sometimes I find myself walking faster and forcing myself to pace my breaths. The sides of my mouth don't want to stay down and there are butterfiles in my stomache that I could have sworn weren't there a minute ago. I search the faces of who I just spoke to. I stop till I see the corner of a smile that chases your dimples."
Today Pfieffer took us outside to the "Haiku Tree," to write nature haikus. I could very possibly love him.
Sorry to all of those who have class with me, I'm going to be the abnoxious kid that has a runny nose and sniffles every five seconds tomorrow.
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| An excerpt |
[ |
February 24th,
2006 11:30 pm
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| [ |
mood |
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Discombobulated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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two gallants- nothing to you |
] |
Some times I wish someone
would lie me on a leather couch
tell me to close my eyes and tap my heels
I'd have been slipped powder in my juice
I'd fall in a sleep with no dreams
Then they would crack open my head and jump right in
Setting up camp and making themselves home
They prepare to do what I never can
Take apart my brain piece by piece
And they would tell me what I was thinking
What I was feeling
Nit pick at my horrible habits
Tell me why I can’t stop
Analyze my actions
Tell my why I did what I did
In stead of what I knew I should have done
Pull out a colored canvas splattered with paint
Explaining to me what it was exactly that I was feeling
Why are my yellows so scarce?
And my white stifles my reds
My purple is loud
But it’s really nothing compared to my green
All of this while I am sleeping
I have no thoughts
Because right now they are not mine
They’re theirs.
Then they will gather their textbooks and coffee and jump back out
Sew me up
And start to whisper in my ear
I wake up counting
And I know exactly where I am
seriously.
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[ |
February 12th,
2006 4:07 pm
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Before going to bed last night, I caught myself thinking.....
God, I'm living through my friends lives again.
My world revolves around my friends.
I dont want the world to revolve around my friends,
I want the world to revolve around m-
.....
shit. whoops...
I spent my saturday with my dad eva and a Digital Rebel. yummmm. We drove all around down town taking picutres. I love my dad. I yelled at him before we left because I was upseat over something and I was trying to be serious, but knowing me, when I get upseat my voice tends to raise ten octives, so my dad was immitating me. He tried to pull me into hug me, but I was so irritated, I pushed him away, while he was still smiling and laughing. I think that hurt him. I apologized later, but I still felt guilty about it the whole day. Hes even more sensitive than I am, but he tries to hide it. I've always loved him for his sensitivity and compassion, so I felt worse. We had a wonderful day though.
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[ |
February 7th,
2006 6:43 pm
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| [ |
music |
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bitter sweet symphony |
] |
Basically
life is in the shits and just all around sucks.
nothing seems to be working out for people.
I think its the time of year.
however for some odd reason I'm feeling relatively optimistic.
(And it's a tuesday wtf)
even considering three days ago I was sobbing in a pillow
and for the past couple of mornings I've been feeling so incredibly lonely its almost suffocating,
I think I'll be ok.
I'll probably change my mind tomorrow.
Really, I just cant wait for this again..
um. yea.
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sorry_genevieve's journal
